Love

 You know how they say that the dynamics as a couple versus when they're married is different? 

You know how the elders around tell us marriage is a gamble? 

I use to refute them all. I always thought it boiled down to calculating the risks when deciding to settle down with someone. I thought that if I had calculated it enough and weighed the pros and cons, I would be spared from sayings above. Oh boy did I do calculate this risk before I decided to settle down. In fact, I felt I couldn't have been more careful. I don't think you would expect one who has been raised in a single family who unfortunately discovered the cheating of her father to be so careless in such decisions. Still, I don't recognise you much any longer. Many important conversations that shouldn't be swept under the mat have turned futile. You shut me out when you're uncomfortable with the conversation almost disrespecting the relationship we have painstakingly built, then take me back in when you think you're feeling it. 

The care about the little things have stopped. My well being. The baby. I wish I could say more. Maybe the issue was me. Maybe I'm just too much

Was I too naive? Should I have taken even more time to weigh my options? Did I just not calculate the risk enough? These questions swarm around my head while I attempt to stay in the present with my baby tiger. 

How did you change to become this man I sometimes don't quite recognise? I ask myself everyday if it was a mistake to have brought an innocent being to this world. If I had known this was how things would be after bringing aboard a new family member, I would've never agreed to your request to keep him. Another part of me can't help but be thankful for this boy who smiles more than ¾ of the day. I find myself torn in my head. All these questions however just don't seem to matter yet I ask myself all of it everyday. I wish I could give my boy a better environment, an environment where mum and dad were loving, where they were each others' rock, just like how I had imagined it. 

I wish I hadn't allowed the circumstances of us to take away my experience in motherhood. You were physically in the house but simply too far away to realise how much help I needed and how I struggled to stay afloat. I wish I had stayed the course and persevered in breastfeeding despite being on my own. Even now, it most times just feels like it's just me, myself and I. If a next life awaits, I hope I do better as a mum.

 For someone who constantly verbally mentions how important I am, the actions sometimes differ greatly. 

I thought I was careful enough. You used to be my best friend. But now I hardly recognise us. 

All I can do is to grieve for us while attempting to stay present for our innocent boy. 

Unfortunate

 Thought I was enough. What wishful thinking. Some things you just can't force it. Some things you just have to let go. 

Ache

 Tears of ache and emptiness swallows me whole, all of them stuck at the entrance of my throat. Can I ever look at myself the same? Can I ever be held without feeling disgusted with myself? I hope my lack of memory kicks in and all of these would eventually belong in the past. 

Something tells me it may not work out however. But please do, please let me feel ok.

It's not you, it's me. Always has been. 

I'm gonna grow old in a blink of an eye and over here feels safe for me to showcase all the different sides of me so......

For some reason putting it all in social media feels a little too invasive. It's odd. I should say more. But it's been too overwhelming these days. I think I spent an hour replaying Incubus tonight and my do i miss them. It's time for me to head to bed. Till then xx

Loving drains me. I don't even know what I should do anymore

All good things must come to an end

We did this topic on love in school and I recall the lecturer passionately telling us that love was in the littlest of things. Love goes when we let the little things slide; the rituals the couple used to have, things that are promised but left unfulfilled. The list goes on. This topic my lecturer spoke about was based on studies done on thousands of couples. The studies spoke about what made a couple happy and successful and what a made a couple break.

Interestingly, all my life I believed in how love consisted of the littlest of things but I think such mindset has done nothing but backfired on me in many ways.

I'm beginning to doubt my lecturer and the studies done. Though again, studies like that is much too factual to be doubted. Maybe I doubt myself and the way I love. Maybe it is true that I am a hopeless romantic who can never be in love. I think it's just me. My flawed heart that can never be loved. Guess no matter the amount of love, it just wouldn't suffice and people will never empathise enough.

The truth is that you just can't make someone see the same things that you do. This whole "love is in the littlest of things" isn't always believed by everybody. And that... That's what actually hurts the most. I'm still questioning if maybe I was wrong all along. That maybe I just don't know what love is about and that I'm a bad lover. That it's all on me.

That's why I never wanted to begin anything with anybody. Because the ending of my relationships always made me feel as though I was wrong to love the way I do, and expect to be loved the same way just so neither of us would need to ever experience a possible break up or divorce.

But I guess all good things must eventually come to an end, especially when you meet a lover like me.

I guess your mama was right when she told you this wouldn't be good for you.

When you love someone but it goes to waste. Could it be worse.
When you’re too in love to let it go. But if you never try. You never know.

I question if this is the earth’s way of telling us we’re making a grave mistake. I’m so exhausted. I just need a glimmer of light. Something, someone to tell me where I’m going wrong.

You always told me I was what held it all together. But now it seems I’m the one who destroys. I have no ability since the beginning of time, to hold anything together. I only destroy it even though I thought I was loving  with all my night and trying  my hardest to make you happy. I lack in all ways and it’s tiring trying to do better because I don’t know how to solve anything anymore.

Nothing hurts more than this realisation that I am after all, insufficient.

These days I do nothing but choke on my tears and feel my throat closing up on me. I don’t know anything anymore. I only know how unsafe and completely terrified  I feel

Pain

It is a vicious cycle that if not stopped in time, can go awry.

The truth I don't speak about is that love is scary. It's the scariest thing I find to exist in this world. When love is so deep and becomes one-sided, you question where you go from there, how you carry on. But that's the thing, you must carry on and refrain from dwelling about it. This act of dwelling only sends you deeper into seclusion and is something doesn't allow you to pick yourself as readily.

I work to my bones to ensure nothing falls apart. Is that being unhealthy? I always ask myself.

I have yet to find an answer.

But it seems that what I put on the table is always being deemed as one who is insane. They always say "The standards you are providing and expecting in return is too high to reach". I never knew how to react whenever arguments ensued and I was thrown such words.

I still question if the way I love is wrong. I am pretty sure it is but I guess only time will tell.

Where do I go. What do I do. I am afraid and lost.

I can’t make your heart feel something it won’t. Here in the dark, in these final hours, I would lay down my heart if I had the power

Here we sit wondering if there’s more to this that has been kept away. Here I lay with an aching chest.  Silly, no one sillier than me.

so much thoughts. but who do i say it to.

I fear many things when i'm doing it without you. With you however, it's like i'm ready to take on the world. It's odd, i can't explain it. But I sure do hope our home comes real soon. Please oh please.

I love this guy so much I don’t ever think words could ever describe the intensity of my love. 

Some random update because your girl hasn’t got enough time in her hands to write as lengthily as I used to

nothing sadder than when it comes down to this point. a cycle, i've watched a long time ago. a cycle i've learnt to be familiarised with.

Don’t worry, I’m here

You know what one of my favourite words to ever hear from my lover is? It’s when he tells me ‘don’t worry I’m here’. 

That assurance, I can’t find it in anyone else. I never knew what feeling safe was like until I met him  . I never met someone who meant what they said, who love more than they could ever say. I  count my blessings to be with man like him. I want nothing more than to grow old and age without any illnesses that are too serious. 

Also, we made a purchase for our bed. We were so nervous. I still think about it and get nervous about it. For some reason, iPhone doesn’t quite allow you to adjust your photos. So I guess this should do for now. We manage to have quite a few dates despite my bear’s busy schedule so I’m really thankful for that too. 

😩