Communication

I used to be really different from what I was before, and am now. It is, exactly and literally like a 360 degress change. And I am grateful for what I am now. Let's not go back to the past now shall we.

So I won't lie now. I don't have suitors now or anyone yearning to be my very close friend (For I lead a "mundane" life and maybe perhaps, not friendly looking enough). In short, I just don't have much of an attention from anything human. No of course I am not one that likes attention, I actually find it frustrating, to be in the centre of attention but I can't deny on some nights when my thoughts drift, I do wonder why I don't get attention and yes I do yearn for it. I look at some people's Facebook and I am filled with jealousy (The good kind) with their walls all filled with people communicating with them. The girls, with such charisma that every boy and girl wants to be with them. Walls filled with guys indirectly flirting with that particular girl, girls filling her wall so to find out what relationship she has with the guys/wanting to be her very close friend/seeking comfort etc etc. And it does applies to the boys too. I can't help but look back at mine and wonder if I am going wrong. If being what I am now is perfectly fine. If I should smile more. But I shrug it off like I normally do to most things and cringe at the very slight thought of the word "Attention".

Communication for this few years hasn't been my most skilled and my personality is of an INTJ, which I just read up on more this evening. I am awkward and not at my best when I am socialising with many. I try though really. But at the very back of my mind I can't help but smile on the outside and back in there i'm looking for an excuse to go home to rejuvenate. It is especially tiring for me to be with humans, especially humans with no sense in their talks, or humans who find happiness and release in gossiping. It is tiring to socialise, but I can do it alright.
I recharge when i'm alone, and am normally at my best.
It takes conscious effort for me when i'm making small talks, big talks... No let's not drift too far.. Don't want to frighten myself. So as I was saying, all these doesn't come easy without conscious effort really. I agonise over them, still saying the most awkward things sometimes.

I have been screwing up relationships with friends for a million times. I think million wouldn't even be it. And I don't blame them for pushing the blames to me cause I honestly believe I was the cause of the fall of the friendship. I recently just screwed one and I must say it is one of my best relationships as I got to explain what I was like, lessening any conflicts that may have been caused. But still, without fail, the cycle repeated as usual even with my careful and precise explaination on how my actions is and will always be not what they think it is. How it goes is that I am deeply affected and I think deeply here is an understatement by the way, and I still act normal, talk normal, write normal, do normal. In this way people think I don't give a fuck about the relationship but thats not it. Like I said, my actions are mostly very utterly misleading and I guess people do find it frustrating.
And to you, I am not only apologetic. I'm sorry. For acting like a complete pain in the ass, for the lack of communication.

The past few days was spent indulging in self pity and most of the time it goes like this in my mind, "Fuck relationships la ok. To hell with that. Just stay home and stop offending people". You don't know how much negative vibe was given off. I was a bad friend and could never ever become a wanted person by people. I very much wanted to settle down on my, "Fuck relationships, stay home and be a good daughter/sister" and then I think again and realise, however much I want to stop communicating, I can't. I needed it. I need people when I am not in my own solitude. I need it for my bowl of rice, for my family's bowls of rice. I need it to help the needys
And as usual again, I shrug that thought off.

Sunny used to wonder why for my thoughts, actions, words. He found it frustrating. I don't know if frustrating is a word that is strong enough though. Is it, Sunny? And he finally gets it now. And so do I. I was given the knowledge on this INFJ during Timmy's birthday by this male friend of his - He himself is one with that personality. I never thought much about it for I was not experiencing much then, though not implying I wasn't a thinker. I knew how awkward and different I was but I never thought it was linked to INFJ.

So as horrible as it may seem, which I don't really care, I realise I always sigh a heave of relief and thereafter, get excited over spending time with myself when i'm home. Whether from school, from guitar lessons, from a day out with friends, from whatever really. Even inclusive of the 30 minutes trip to get groceries. That bad? Yes.

What I know is that, so what if I feel too much, feel more than the usual of humans do? The fuck with that. You don't know how to express, no empathy nor feelings would do you good in a world so practical, in a world with humans who don't exactly give two shits about what you feel or what you dream about.

So to hell with communication, but I promise to never take my personality type as an excuse for the falter of communication.