I am for free

I try to grasp the idea that I have planted in my mind.

That if anyone that has gotten tired of putting up with me, left without a word, it is but a lesson learnt and not of lost. I don't know how I am almost becoming a professional in making the whole of me believe the pack of lies I provide, the lies I plant deep in my veins but I hope against hope that it succeeds. And then how I abhor, having any emotional intimacy with anyone other than my family. How I absolutely detest it, but can't help it no matter the amount of conscious effort put in. I can't seem to understand or learn, how Tim has Silas(vice versa too) and how I on the other hand.. Is on Tim's opposite.

I sometimes can't help but question if I am not worthy of having any close friends. Of course it is not like I do not enjoy my own solitude cause I sometimes think I find too much joy in it. For that, I am sorry if I seem like I have contradicted almost everything mentioned before but I guess it is like having second thoughts, a very normal reaction some may say.
Maybe I am too hard on myself but how can you not be when it is like as if.. You are your own army of soldier?

I really, don't like the idea of emotional intimacy especially with my own species but really, the question isn't about if you do like it or not anymore. It is not about MY thoughtless preferences anymore, cause just so you know, you are not your own universe. How I hate to always unintentionally disregard that sentence so spot on, "You are not your own universe".

And now, all that I really hope for is for myself to be firmer than before and for next year to be of memories. After that, I may be trash to you, trasher than before. I may be a bitch and may you then pick all my bad bricks of wall and unfold it to everyone else because darling girl, I will never ever do that to you even if it means bearing my soul. I will be more like my own army of soldier, I will suffer emotionally as you wish and may you then be glad I am more than alone.
And for the befall of our friendship, I will put the blame on myself if anyone questions and may you please feel free to do so too on your side. Put all the blame on me, put it all on me. Afterall, it won't cost you a single penny and your stories that may be told in future about the trashy me will be bought ever so willingly.

Having being so prepared and seemingly willing, please don't put this part of blame on me... I am merely building myself up for the worst.