Worse

I think one of the worse feelings to ever be going through is feeling nothing, like being emotionally anesthethized. Like you are neither over the moon nor down below. In short, like being emotionally uncertain towards what to feel.

I'm seeing so many deep in Love and so many, struggling with the heartache, the loss of their months of reliance on their used to be "best friend", used to be "lover". Some blog about the ache and I try not to be too judgementive or curious about it. But really, it is EXACTLY like as if their world circles around only that particular one and no one else. The reason for their survival is no one but them.
I can't help but find it so.. Impossible to have such feelings for one. To want to give your life just to have him, or to be able to sacrifice your all just to have a night spent together. It is so incomprehensible to me. And now, pardon me for being so blunt and almost ignorant in understanding how this four letter word "Love", goes about. I don't grasp their pain no matter how much I want to..

I can't help but wonder if I am out of place. I mean, I FEEL, out of place in so many ways.
Maybe you may say I haven't found the "one" yet, to be able to make my world spin only but around him or maybe I have before but I can't seem to dig such emotions out. I myself cannot seem to settle on either one out of these two. Like mentioned at the starting, I am neither here nor there. Again, I maybe downright blunt and brainless and no offence intended but I would really like to experience falling out of "Love" or either falling into it. The whole idea of emotions like on roller coaster rides intrigues me. But I am also very extremely scared stiff, of me having such emotions on the topic "Love". Like how you want a tattoo of your deceased grand mother, but is afraid of the pain and what your mother might do. Maybe skin you alive? Yes exactly. That is what I am feeling.
But such isn't for myself or anyone to decide. Like how cupid arrow hits you on the streets on this very charming man who is of course, a stranger and leaves you sitting with an ice cream on hand waiting at the very same spot and time for the charming man to appear again.
Like how you may be dining in a restaurant alone and a man of both looks and wealth hits on you but no same amount of fanciness is given back.
Such is never for anyone to decide but maybe I just want to feel something from "Love". I am not too sure.

Which is worse though?
Feeling hollow or giving your all to learn to stand up independently again, giving your all on trying to block any thoughts that consists of him?