What now?

I know.. I know clearly that i'm going to sound like a brainless child but it always feels like i'm being tied down by a heavy rock or so whenever I hear people not liking me. Well, no, not in the Love wise but in a general wise... A friend wise. I always want to make an impression and even if no impression is made, at least I pray for people to never have harsh comments made on just an introduction of me. I learnt today that I have no ability of any sort to please everyone nor assure myself that everyone has a liking for me and even if there isn't, at least no hatred is involved. It sure is time to put a red light to such steady feelings that constantly weighs heavily on me when subjects like such is broached. You know what the funniest part is? It is that these people actually doesn't signify my life at all. How silly it is to be affected by someone who is almost of a passerby. I know just how very silly I seem.

You see, I should be so damn callous towards humans since I haven't got much likings for them but no I am not feeling any sort of indifference to you and to anyone who dislikes me at all. And you, always you, what motives have you got right up your sleeves and under your seemingly sweet scented blood? Tell me you are whiter than chalk because I can't go on bearing this with the fortitude that i've always got. Let me trust you. Give me some light of hope. Tell me, bare yourself to me. Bare it all out because i'm so tired. I'm so drained from your misdeeds and how deeply it stabs into me when you are always 1 step forward and 2 steps back. How much more bones would you like to crush into pieces darling. Haha I doubt i've even enough bones left baby girl. Let me off.

I'm so far gone that I wish I knew what it'd take to bring me back. I'm sorry i'm not so very fine. I'm so very very sincerely sorry because who ever really desires to be left immersed in such horrifying emotions? I'm sorry i'm like water, most of the time I flow where you'd like me to and I get mistreated quite often too. It really probably is my own flaw for allowing all of you to mar me. Not being of wholeness isn't ever a thing to live satisfyingly with but what else huh.

I'm so.. So very very upset. I wish I was stronger than I really appear to be. Haha looks are so deceiving huh. Looks always cover up. Looks brings in gossips but who are you to judge? Who are you to assume without any fabricated proof? Who are you to dislike me. Why judge, why assume. Don't, because you don't know the whole truth. But what an irony it is because sometimes, we let it slip our minds and we judge, we assume, but we don't know that behind what we've heard or seen, it really isn't at all that geniune. Humans, goddamn us creatures. We are living monsters from hell. We mind play each other so darn well we all probably should get us all some trophies of sort.

Toughen up, toughen up, time to toughen my heart up. Please toughen me up.