Muthafuckin faith

I find it quite something, amusing rather, with the topic i'm on about.

By the end of this I hope I get a legitimate reasoning as to why it is the way it is but it's all cool if I don't. Still great and vital to note down facts like these. I intrigue myself really, more so than I ever have when I was at a more tender age.

Onto the real deal, you see what i'll pen down is really rather amusing. When someone comes to me telling me about the dreams they've got and what they aspire to be, what they're fighting for, i'm always so encouraging. I literally have more than a 100% faith and trust that they're doing it good and that they'll be so darn unbelievable at what they're trying to acheive. I tell them to press on, to believe their capabilities and I list them a good number of facts as to why they'll succeed. At the end, I end it off by telling them that it's all cool however if halfway through the fight, they discover that things ain't as planned. I tell them it's alright, to sit down and analyse, come up with a plan to defeat it and carry on with their dreams and aspirations. I tell them they're untouchable. I tell them to trust the process, to give more credit to themselves.

When it comes to me though, when it comes to the very things I dream and aspire to create, i'm all silent about it. I'll be dirt honest and tell you that I've doubted myself more times than I've ever cried in my 21 years of existence. I'll have this goal or dream in my head, i'll go about with it and then welcome the doubts and that is it. I never trust myself enough to achieve what I want to, never. It's fucking ridiculous.

These people around me that don't even know shit about me, they give me more credit than I ever give myself. They tell me that I should pursue writing, that there's something I can so gracefully spin out with my melancholic self that others relate to. Pursue the fitness and health category, go compete, go beast. They tell me I could make it big if I bake. They tell me I could model and make big bucks. They tell me i'll make a good psychologist or a counsellor. They tell me I've this voice that could be something (that's insanity though really). They tell me this and that, they tell me way too many things, they make it seem like i'm a gem, that I can change almost the world or the perspectives of so many.

You see that's the thing, perhaps they only speak of such glory only because they do not know shit I know about myself. But damn... This evening I realise just how much doubt i've filled in my every desire to chase what I really want to. Why do I go about the days of my life feeling like i'll come up to nothing? That i'll literally be of nothingness? That my physique will stay constant. That I wouldn't have that great of a career or a family or just a life in general? That's really a negative and ominous way of going about life. What difference would living and dying be in this case..?

The stark contrast in the amount of sheer faith and trust I have in people and their aspirations as compared to my own.... Haha It's quite amusing ain't it? Gosh, what an unpleasant finding. I strongly believe that I will be my own greatest downfall if I do not learn to get better. I have honestly never met someone alike me. Man, i'm so fucking mean to myself it's unbelievable. Whoever taught me to be so nasty? To be filled with so much self-doubt and hatred for this soul that's already bruised?

I guess we don't ever see ourselves with as much clarity as others do huh? Perhaps that's why I never believe in pointing out another's insecurity or bad trait. It's inherently in me to highlight peoples' good traits outrightly. That's what everyone should be like. Highlighting others' strength instead of weaknesses or flaws. What point is there, highlighting their weaknesses so obviously any way? Would that help? What are you offering? Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. I believe strongly to never say anything demeaning. It offers nothing. Highlight one's strengths enough, as excessively as possible and you'll be surprise by how much they can achieve. It's been proven.

I've digressed, I ought to really work on this harshness i've placed on myself or soon i'd be even more hopeless than I already am. I'm regressing, I dislike it, I will regress more rapidly if I carry on with my ways. Well, good fucking luck to me now.

I mean on a positive note, at least I don't do all of that to others right? At least I remind them of just how capable they are to achieve just about anything they want.. Right..?