Updates and lessons

So much happening in such a short span of time. But the geez of it, all here.

• Bubba got his ride (This one has been intense, but I shan't elaborate further)
• Food we have together, Food I make for the boy x (Favourite moments of ours)
• Some random shots bubba captured of me cause he felt I look gorgeous (Always being so kind to me)
• Me tracking his gym process cause that's what I always do (Can never help but get all fluttery just looking at him)

I have a terrible habit of never updating enough. I ought to, cause time speeds by and I fear i'll only have melancholic updates to look back on. Gotta have a balance girl, balance it all out.

In this few weeks of so much that has gone on, I've learn to let things flow as they may. So much has been beyond my control and I see myself having intense anxieties over things I can't help. It's silly, i'm aware but i've gotten a hang of things now. At least I hope I have.

I've also realised just how important it is to take things with pride and do one's utmost best. I don't fancy this subpar effort everyone gives. I don't appreciate that. I'm beginning to realise how many things ticks me off and how I hardly mention much at all. I've grown quieter over the years, my wants and needs, kinda always put in the backdrop of everyone else's wants and needs. Some things, we truly don't have much of a choice. I'll compromise, but there might come a day where I might have compromised too much that i'd let it all go. Till then, i'll understand, put my point across and compromise whenever needed.

Life is one tough piece of shit. Being associated with kids for hours on end everyday makes me realise just how important a spouse is. The qualities they've got, it's so vital that they pride in the things they are involved with just as I am cause the truth is when kids comes along, nothing is as simplified no more. So much patience, kindness and love is required in a relationship. I believe in building the solid foundation between my lover and I first, before kids come along. Truth be told, I don't even know if we'll be capable of having a child. I'll be even more honest and tell you that i'm not quite sure if I might settle down and have a functional and loving relationship. I hope I do, it's been a dream of mine. But life has this uncanny ability to screw me as it has been doing so for awhile now. Also because i'm beginning to observe myself and question if something truly is odd with me. I reckon my traits are pretty damn hard to get along with, that sensitivity, introspection, always reading things in depth, overwhelming amount of love, all of these doesn't quite work well in a world like this. Pretty sad. I know one thing is for sure, that i'll be in despair if all i've worked for, wouldn't work out. Again, this is the part where I apply what i've learnt: To let things flow as they may.

I think the hardest thing i've learnt this week is that we can never truly be loved for all that we are. My theory, I believe is true to a huge extent. You see, we live in a world of pure selfishness. We expect one to alter themselves so to benefit us. We find it tedious to alter ourselves, to compromise. We never truly love another as they are. We're all just spun into versions of ourselves that we don't quite fancy, just so to survive in this world, just so to still be in a relationship with our lover. That sucks big fucking time but it is what it is. I tell myself to never alter my lover, to take it as it is but in return, I realise so much of who I am is compromised. I'm trying to figure a middle ground, it's tedious, exhausting. So I just let things flow as they may. I feel like in time, I might just be like everybody else, less serious, intense, loving and more normal; ignorant, selfish.

I don't know though, give me time to talk about it all and i'll reveal nothing but the dirt truth with little positive outlook in life. I question if I know how to love, I question if i'm a good person, I question you, I question them, I question the purpose of it all. I don't see a point in life, I truly don't. I just go through the flow, but am I happy? Ask me if i'm happy, sit down, care to ask if i'm happy and a whole load of shit that's never been spoken about will be spilled out in the open.

Perhaps just a phase, I don't know. But truly, fuck it all.

A few things is for certain,
1) Something could really be quite wrong with me. The way I am, the way I think and love, it should be less intense and serious
2) Let life flow as they may. Shit will blow and tables will flip, no matter how hard you try to prevent it.

I feel like Im losin' my focus. 

I feel like Im losin' my patience.

 I feel like my thoughts in the basement. 

Feel like I don't wanna be bothered.

Feel like I ain't feelin' you all.

Feel like removin' myself, no feelings involved.

The feelin' is toxic, I feel like I'm boxin' demons.

I feel like the whole world want me to pray for 'em.

But who the fuck prayin' for me?Ain't nobody prayin' for me. Who prayin' for me? Ain't nobody prayin'