Love

 You know how they say that the dynamics as a couple versus when they're married is different? 

You know how the elders around tell us marriage is a gamble? 

I use to refute them all. I always thought it boiled down to calculating the risks when deciding to settle down with someone. I thought that if I had calculated it enough and weighed the pros and cons, I would be spared from sayings above. Oh boy did I do calculate this risk before I decided to settle down. In fact, I felt I couldn't have been more careful. I don't think you would expect one who has been raised in a single family who unfortunately discovered the cheating of her father to be so careless in such decisions. Still, I don't recognise you much any longer. Many important conversations that shouldn't be swept under the mat have turned futile. You shut me out when you're uncomfortable with the conversation almost disrespecting the relationship we have painstakingly built, then take me back in when you think you're feeling it. 

The care about the little things have stopped. My well being. The baby. I wish I could say more. Maybe the issue was me. Maybe I'm just too much

Was I too naive? Should I have taken even more time to weigh my options? Did I just not calculate the risk enough? These questions swarm around my head while I attempt to stay in the present with my baby tiger. 

How did you change to become this man I sometimes don't quite recognise? I ask myself everyday if it was a mistake to have brought an innocent being to this world. If I had known this was how things would be after bringing aboard a new family member, I would've never agreed to your request to keep him. Another part of me can't help but be thankful for this boy who smiles more than ¾ of the day. I find myself torn in my head. All these questions however just don't seem to matter yet I ask myself all of it everyday. I wish I could give my boy a better environment, an environment where mum and dad were loving, where they were each others' rock, just like how I had imagined it. 

I wish I hadn't allowed the circumstances of us to take away my experience in motherhood. You were physically in the house but simply too far away to realise how much help I needed and how I struggled to stay afloat. I wish I had stayed the course and persevered in breastfeeding despite being on my own. Even now, it most times just feels like it's just me, myself and I. If a next life awaits, I hope I do better as a mum.

 For someone who constantly verbally mentions how important I am, the actions sometimes differ greatly. 

I thought I was careful enough. You used to be my best friend. But now I hardly recognise us. 

All I can do is to grieve for us while attempting to stay present for our innocent boy.