Falling from grace

I haven't been doing good to my body or my emotional state but I got up yesterday evening to go for a swim and I swam without thinking or breaking into tears. Taking yesterday away, all that I have been doing is studying or at least trying to.
For most part of the days, I lie on my cold bed with the fan singing it's own song, leaving either my head or my legs dangling at the edge of the bed, trying to recall where was the last place I left the whole of my vulnerable self at. On some other days, I sit and hear people talk but I never hear what exactly. Though the constant pulling force of my mind is always made, I only seem to get through 10 seconds or lesser, nothing more. Some other days too, I sit down with a cup of tea with Rachael playing on my ipod hoping to find the lost and stranded me, hoping tea and Rachael would help but of course I never seem to appear.
I have been leaving blank pages on my computer screen, sitting my restless self down for at least half an hour and again, still leaving it white and clear with no black fonts showed. I have been leaving papers empty only managing to scribble words that springs to mind like, "To die for", "Never seemingly there", "Birds. Cage. Fly.", "?", "Dig further", "Tired", "Flowers comes winter, winter comes with flowers backing away" etcs. The only feeling that remains constant and seemingly stagnant is fatigue. Fatigue drains my soul professionally that I don't beg for it to leave.
How does it feel like? Sometimes it feels like I am lost in time, but not desperate enough to look for what I am needing for. Sometimes it feels like all these wallowing may fade away into forgetting. Sometimes it feels like a vivid dream that is impossible to wake from.

Writing is the only thing in my life that ever makes sense but it is disappearing and fear is creeping up slowly but surely with me being faraway.