I could ask a million "why". I could cry my heart out till exhaustion consumes me. I could beg for a miracle to take place but nothing would change and everything would stay the same. I just want to be 21 years of age. Where my only worries are the same as every other 21 year old. I just want to compete at ease. Where if I do whine, it'll be on how the trainings are so draining and food so tedious to consume. Where I'll worry if I'm hitting my required protein. If I should play around with my carbs and fat the next coming week. Things are so bleak. I can hardly provide my basic necessities for myself,speaking about this makes me feel so ashamed. What more fulfilling this dream of mine. I can never fulfill this dream with situations like these. And nothing breaks my heart more. I have given everything I possibly could I really don't know what else my mother wants of me. I am tired and I want to be anywhere but here. I just want to be anywhere but here. It feels like nothing I ever want in life will ever work out. I can dream about being able to save up for perhaps that shoe I want. Or that wedding I want. Or that house I want. Or children. Or anything for that matter. Because I have done all that I could and I will have nothing left. I could work at them, I could be resilient but I know it won't be my opportunity to fulfill any of the things I dream of. I can never fulfill my needs, let alone my dreams and my wants. I only want to be 21,young and enjoying that cup of ice cream because I can and because I want to. I want to fulfill my dreams because I can. But I can't. I am not the average 21 year old. my heart hurts so badly to the point of no return. I can only cry. That's all that I can do. I can only grieve for the things I can never have. I grieve for my self, for the things I will never get to have and the dreams that will never be fulfilled. What else do you want mother.